Time to be thankful

 

I know who took the picture, grandson Shane, I know he is hiking in the Cascade mountains, exactly where I don't know.

I love that he takes pictures as he hikes.  I love that he shares the pictures, even if he's not good about telling me where he took the picture.

Thank you for all your kind words and thank you for just visiting. I know the holidays are going to be hard, I have a great support system but still the pain will be mine.

I am stopping to be thankful for all the years we were able to spend together. For all the adventures we shared.  For our children and grandchildren.  I am thankful Steve knew Christ.  I am thankful he is no longer in pain and suffering.

I know the next few days and even months are going to be hard, the kids are going to be right here with me and we will do this together.  

Fields of Gold

 

Fields of Gold in Quincy picture taken by Mike

Fiend Ericka's daughter Frankie checking out the sunflowers. 

I know, again it's been a while since I have posted anything.  Right now, the doctor wants me to start some medication just to help me over the biggest part of the hump.  Not sure how I feel about that. 

I think I was dealing with it all okay but maybe I am not as okay as I think I am. I sure lost a lot of motivation.  But then doesn't everyone go through times when they just aren't motivated?? 

Well, I wanted to share with you, where a whole lot of sunflowers grow. We do live in a wonderful area and have much to be thankful for.

It's been awhile

I had very good intentions of writing on a more regular basis then what is happening in reality. I have been busy and that is a good thing.

This picture was taken by my daughter in law Erica. Last weekend her and my son did a day trip over the Cascade loop.

They will go back and take their time. 

I have been trying to keep up with the tiny little space I have. I have had people stop and ask about flowers I have growing. Others have stopped to say how pretty my yard looks. 

I am not sure I see what they see, and that has me thinking. How often we do not take the time to take in our own beauty.

All I was seeing was the weeds!! I am like talking to myself, saying how can you say it is pretty, don't you see those weeds?

How often do we do that?  How often do we only see the weeds and not the flowers? I sure am guilty of doing that. I will take the time to see all that is good. all that is pretty.

Which reminds me of a funny story about my neighbor. I don't know if any of you, (if there are any of you!) remember the trees I had removed from my property line. they were beautiful. they were also dangerous, messy and created so much shade nothing would grow.  I never saw anyone as excited as my neighbor, to see those trees go. She hated the mess and how the needles kept piling up making a horrible mess, she was like good bye trees. 

Well, last week, I came across my neighbor, who had to tell me how much she missed the fir needles in her yard. Now she has to weed and at least they kept the weed down. !!! What she is missing is, the rose bush that is now blooming that never had the chance to grow because it was to shady, Or the lilac bush I didn't even know was there, now growing and blooming.  Nope all she can see can see is the weeds,

Take some time this week to look past the weeds and see the beauty. Life is always going to give us weeds.

Things don't just Happen

 Sunday on the Columbia River

I thought it might be a good idea to let you know where the pictures are taken.

Motivation to do anything has been hard for me. Then after speaking to a friend who also lost her husband, I came to realize things don't just happen.

I was telling her how I feel (whining a bit) about the need to get back to sewing and creating. She replied with: "So do I, it will happen".  My friend has been alone for a long, long time, which is the one reason I was whining to her. That statement scared me!!

Maybe that is exactly what I needed to hear because if it hasn't happened yet with her after all these years, well, I don't want to sit and wait for the magic to happen. It's not going to happen!!!

When will the sky open up and the creatives juices flow? If I sit and wait for it, I can guarantee that never happening. 

I need to take a step forward, even if it is one tiny step, as long as I am going in the right direction.  that needs to start NOW!!

New Meaning

 I want to start by thanking all of you for taking the time to give me some help. I will follow  your advice. 

Also the saying "Be kind to yourself" has taken on a complete new meaning to me.  I have a better understanding of what my mind and body are going through.  I do some pretty silly things, not even knowing I am doing it. 

I filled (or thought I did) the watering can, so I could water the few plants I have on my porch. I went to pick it up, expecting it to be heavy and of coarse it wasn't. I didn't put any water in it.  Thats just a tiny something, I do that all day with everything!! But now I have a bit of insight as to what is going on with me, so I don't get upset with me. 

Reading is not possible. I was reading a series of books  called the Elm Creek quilts series, by Jennifer Chiaverini. Now, I don't remember who is who and with a series, they speak often of people you should know, if you are reading the series. It's okay, I know why now, as before I found out this grief brain is a real thing, I was sure I was losing my mind.

I don't know how long all of this takes. Maybe I will never be the same, right now I feel like I will never go back.  I told my son I will not be doing the grocery shopping this week. I can use Insta cart if I need anything.  Last week, I had a full blown panic attack.  I looked down at my hands and they were shaking so hard, the only way I could control them was to hang tight to the cart. I was only a few isle in, when I decided enough was enough and headed to the checkout.  I forgot how to swipe my card, and of coarse that just caused more panic.  The gal at the register was so kind and soft spoken, I know think she has been though that before. 

So, the adventure as I will call it, continues. I am just trying to be kind to myself.

Enter grief brain

 As the days went by, my thinking became worse and worse.  I always have paid my power bill the day the bill came. I was shocked when I opened my bill this month to see it had doubled.  When I took a closer look, I noticed I had not paid last months bill. I don't even remember getting it.

I found  I was forgetting things I have done over and over a million times, now I could not even begin to think about how to do it.  I am not remembering to do even simple things like cook my favorite meals.

Of coarse this scared me!  Now what??  Well, now what is leading to something new, called Grief Brain, or widows brain. where the brain has become so over loaded it has little room left for functioning.

Hopsice suggests I journal, having this blog already set up I will do just that.  I have no clue what to expect from this.  All I know is in some ways I feel better knowing it's  a "normal" process.  Some ways it scares me even more.

So if you dare follow me on my journey and if you are also on this journey we can go through it together.

I am calling this day one. because it is the first day of my discovering that I am normal. At the same time as not being even close to normal.

 Hospice of the Western Reserve - "Grief Brain" What's Going On? (hospicewr.org)

Make today Amazing.

 A saying my son, told me in the middle of my falling apart.  Probably one of the hardest things to do is to make your day amazing when all of your life is so totally out of control.

Then, I found that just in trying, all you had to do was at least try and your day would become if not amazing at least tolerable.  So I continue each day, to share the message.  Every day will get better until you find that each day is worth looking forward to. 

In thanks I made hm this pillow. Since mountain biking is where he goes to regain his balance I thought adding a bike would be a message back to him, to keep up being amazing.

Some days it is so hard. But, everyday I can do something no matter how small to make it the best day ever. 

"Not in Vain"

Emily Dickinson poem "Not in Vain" has always spoke to me.

(1886) by Emily Dickinson If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain: If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.

I think of it when I make and pray over these items for the hospital nursery. These item are for the precious little ones that go to heaven way to soon.

I do like making the gowns, hoping that it will ease the pain a little, Just to know that someone, somewhere cares.

Request from the hospital, also needed are items for babies to fragile to handle.

so I made a few of those.

Tiny blankets

The size of the blankets range from 6" to 10". I will make a few larger blankets..

I hope these bring some comfort to the broken hearts. Just making them helps my heart heal.

wordless Wednesday

Again!

I find myself here again on a Wednesday.!

spring always comes alive in our mountains.

Seeded by God

Heaven Bound

 I know it is wordless Wednesday and I will add a few words to this. The picture of MT. Index, in Washington State. This is the mountain that stands out in full glory as you round the corner. As the love of my life Steve has gone on to be with Jesus, this picture lets me know, if God has this much beauty on earth can you imagine the beauty in heaven.

Wordless Wednesday

 

I DID IT!

                                    I even took pictures. This was not easy and if you have agoraphobia, you will know what I am talking about.  This started with me, when Steve had his stroke and was in the hospital in Seattle.  There was no way I could stay with him more than a day and one night. The night I stayed I was in a chair, bathroom facilities were a long way away. It was miserable.  The kids had me come home, home is three hours away.  We tried to get the hospital to help us get him transferred home, once we found there was no reason for him to be in Seattle. 

Fast forward, to my first full-blown panic attack! I ended up in the hospital. I have never been able to get myself together. I am fine when I am home, just the thought of going out can send me into a full-blown panic attack.  Heart pounding, sweating palm's, no clear thoughts almost a feeling of being in a container and there is no way out.

Today, a volunteer came and watched Steve and I went to a store. By myself! almost the scariest thing I have ever done. You have no idea how much I love to read your blogs when you go shopping, especially when you go to cute little shops.  I go right along with you!

My neighbor told me about this store, hardly any people visit.  It has good prices and he thought this would be a good place to test my getting out. 

The name of the store is Grocery Outlet.  they had some really cute things, good prices, Off brands and some well-known brands, 

                              Those planters look interesting.

              It will take me a full day to stop shaking. did I mess up? yup! I did, but I made it, 

Caretaking

Even the word caretaker can mean so many different things. Caretaker of a garden, a daycare, those seem to be okay caretaker jobs.

Taking care of a loved one in failing health, well that is different. I am having a hard time even believing there are people that chose to do caretaking as a job!

I am a accidental caretaker.  I didn't chose this, I don't even know how to do it. Yet, it is something I do every day 24 hours a day. Do I have to?  Not really. There are places that take in people who have Alzheimer/ Dementia. 

I chose to learn this job, to do it the best I can because I love my Steve with all my heart.

The biggest challenge so far for me, which surprises me is taking the time to care for me. Kind of like the caretaker needs a care taker. The hospice nurses are great about asking me if I need anything, they ask "What can I do for you?" 

I have to do it for myself. I have to answer to me. I make promises to myself and then I break those promises. what kind of friend does that? I have a volunteer, that will come in and stay with Steve, while I go do something and I actually set a time for her to come and for me to go and I want to break that promise to me.  the promise that I will go out and at least drive to a store and look around.  

I break out in a sweat just thinking about it.  My scheduled day to go is tomorrow and I want to cancel. 

We have an amazing valley, so full of beauty, yet I stopped looking, stopped exploring, stopped living.

I quit on me.

Lets turn this boat around

Some of you know I love boating. I can't remember a time, I didn't love being around boats.  We lived on lake Washington, close to Seattle and it was always full of all kinds of boats.

Well now, we live close to the Columbia river and it to is always full of boats. In the winter the fishermen are out there and spring and summer bring the boat nuts.

This is my supra, just love her.

The Columbia River, floods every spring as the mountains shed their snowpack. That leads to a lot of trees, and junk being dumped into the river, making it pretty dangerous to boat. so, this one year, we figured it was pretty safe to go out and were heading down river toward the damn, when we came upon a bunch of logs! We made a very quick turn around, just lucky we spotted them before we were on them.

I started thinking of how that incident relates to what I am living now. floating along actually hitting those logs.  If I don't change, I am going to end up one of those miserable old women you hear about. I don't want to be an old woman looking out the window, watching life go by. I have one of those as a neighbor.  

I need to turn this boat around and sail in my better waters. I need to see this day as a possibility. I am replacing the words "Have to" with the words "Get to". 

Instead of seeing things as a burden I will try to see them as an opportunity.  The view you get from a boat, is a view, you are not going to get when you are on dry land, Same object, just different view. 

So today, I will see what I will get to do, see how the day unfolds, with all the wonderful opportunities.

Changing your mind

 We have all heard it or read it. You can change your circumstances by changing your mind.

Now, there is a lot I cannot change. I cannot change Steve's stoke or his stroke induced dementia.  I cannot fix his heart or do away with kidney failure. Those are the givens; those are set in place. 

What I can do is change my mind, I can change from poor me to be thankful I get to care for him. That this is a way I can take the journey with him.  I can thank God for giving me one more day with him. for the strength to hold on when it seems my little world is falling apart.

To march right over to the mirror and get out my makeup and comb my hair. to reach for my saved perfume. To realize those clothes my closet I am saving for the right time, are to be worn now. The right time is today.

Today is the day you have been saving all those special things for. the best dishes, the best earrings.

And yes, this is the Valentines Day you celebrate, you celebrate because you love today, you love what tomorrow will bring. You love that all of this is to propel you forward, not backwards.

You love, you changed your mind!

And I love to share with you my cuddler. 

  

I just don't know

I really don't know what to do! I love Valentine's day but this year I don't know how to handle it.

Last week, I was all in. I was going to order flowers, get the candy and celebrate the way it should be celebrated! 

I started with the front porch. Added some decorations and thought that will take care of missing the Christmas decorations.

Add a heart to a Christmas bow and your good to go!

Now, I lost my Valentines mojo. I just feel sad and I want the whole thing to just go away! 

Not sure I will add the flowers and chocolates. 

Today, Steve slipped a little more, celebrating just doesn't feel right anymore.

I hate that feeling also. I want to fight back, to say it's okay, bring some joy into the house. Get excited when the floral truck shows up!!

Just don't know how to feel

A short hello

Just a drop to let you know I am still here. Connie, I have been trying to reach you and Norton will not let me comment, in fact it tried to block me from even visiting. I do not know how to resolve that problem, but I wanted you to know. 

Crafty Home Cottage: Rearranging The Living Room (crafty-home-cottage.blogspot.com)

I do plan on getting back on this blogging horse and riding it to the finish line.

I am continuing to make wee care gowns for the hospital babies.

some babies come to earth as Angels.