I DID IT!

                                    I even took pictures. This was not easy and if you have agoraphobia, you will know what I am talking about.  This started with me, when Steve had his stroke and was in the hospital in Seattle.  There was no way I could stay with him more than a day and one night. The night I stayed I was in a chair, bathroom facilities were a long way away. It was miserable.  The kids had me come home, home is three hours away.  We tried to get the hospital to help us get him transferred home, once we found there was no reason for him to be in Seattle. 

Fast forward, to my first full-blown panic attack! I ended up in the hospital. I have never been able to get myself together. I am fine when I am home, just the thought of going out can send me into a full-blown panic attack.  Heart pounding, sweating palm's, no clear thoughts almost a feeling of being in a container and there is no way out.

Today, a volunteer came and watched Steve and I went to a store. By myself! almost the scariest thing I have ever done. You have no idea how much I love to read your blogs when you go shopping, especially when you go to cute little shops.  I go right along with you!

My neighbor told me about this store, hardly any people visit.  It has good prices and he thought this would be a good place to test my getting out. 

The name of the store is Grocery Outlet.  they had some really cute things, good prices, Off brands and some well-known brands, 

                              Those planters look interesting.

              It will take me a full day to stop shaking. did I mess up? yup! I did, but I made it, 

Caretaking

Even the word caretaker can mean so many different things. Caretaker of a garden, a daycare, those seem to be okay caretaker jobs.

Taking care of a loved one in failing health, well that is different. I am having a hard time even believing there are people that chose to do caretaking as a job!

I am a accidental caretaker.  I didn't chose this, I don't even know how to do it. Yet, it is something I do every day 24 hours a day. Do I have to?  Not really. There are places that take in people who have Alzheimer/ Dementia. 

I chose to learn this job, to do it the best I can because I love my Steve with all my heart.

The biggest challenge so far for me, which surprises me is taking the time to care for me. Kind of like the caretaker needs a care taker. The hospice nurses are great about asking me if I need anything, they ask "What can I do for you?" 

I have to do it for myself. I have to answer to me. I make promises to myself and then I break those promises. what kind of friend does that? I have a volunteer, that will come in and stay with Steve, while I go do something and I actually set a time for her to come and for me to go and I want to break that promise to me.  the promise that I will go out and at least drive to a store and look around.  

I break out in a sweat just thinking about it.  My scheduled day to go is tomorrow and I want to cancel. 

We have an amazing valley, so full of beauty, yet I stopped looking, stopped exploring, stopped living.

I quit on me.

Lets turn this boat around

Some of you know I love boating. I can't remember a time, I didn't love being around boats.  We lived on lake Washington, close to Seattle and it was always full of all kinds of boats.

Well now, we live close to the Columbia river and it to is always full of boats. In the winter the fishermen are out there and spring and summer bring the boat nuts.

This is my supra, just love her.

The Columbia River, floods every spring as the mountains shed their snowpack. That leads to a lot of trees, and junk being dumped into the river, making it pretty dangerous to boat. so, this one year, we figured it was pretty safe to go out and were heading down river toward the damn, when we came upon a bunch of logs! We made a very quick turn around, just lucky we spotted them before we were on them.

I started thinking of how that incident relates to what I am living now. floating along actually hitting those logs.  If I don't change, I am going to end up one of those miserable old women you hear about. I don't want to be an old woman looking out the window, watching life go by. I have one of those as a neighbor.  

I need to turn this boat around and sail in my better waters. I need to see this day as a possibility. I am replacing the words "Have to" with the words "Get to". 

Instead of seeing things as a burden I will try to see them as an opportunity.  The view you get from a boat, is a view, you are not going to get when you are on dry land, Same object, just different view. 

So today, I will see what I will get to do, see how the day unfolds, with all the wonderful opportunities.

Changing your mind

 We have all heard it or read it. You can change your circumstances by changing your mind.

Now, there is a lot I cannot change. I cannot change Steve's stoke or his stroke induced dementia.  I cannot fix his heart or do away with kidney failure. Those are the givens; those are set in place. 

What I can do is change my mind, I can change from poor me to be thankful I get to care for him. That this is a way I can take the journey with him.  I can thank God for giving me one more day with him. for the strength to hold on when it seems my little world is falling apart.

To march right over to the mirror and get out my makeup and comb my hair. to reach for my saved perfume. To realize those clothes my closet I am saving for the right time, are to be worn now. The right time is today.

Today is the day you have been saving all those special things for. the best dishes, the best earrings.

And yes, this is the Valentines Day you celebrate, you celebrate because you love today, you love what tomorrow will bring. You love that all of this is to propel you forward, not backwards.

You love, you changed your mind!

And I love to share with you my cuddler. 

  

I just don't know

I really don't know what to do! I love Valentine's day but this year I don't know how to handle it.

Last week, I was all in. I was going to order flowers, get the candy and celebrate the way it should be celebrated! 

I started with the front porch. Added some decorations and thought that will take care of missing the Christmas decorations.

Add a heart to a Christmas bow and your good to go!

Now, I lost my Valentines mojo. I just feel sad and I want the whole thing to just go away! 

Not sure I will add the flowers and chocolates. 

Today, Steve slipped a little more, celebrating just doesn't feel right anymore.

I hate that feeling also. I want to fight back, to say it's okay, bring some joy into the house. Get excited when the floral truck shows up!!

Just don't know how to feel

A short hello

Just a drop to let you know I am still here. Connie, I have been trying to reach you and Norton will not let me comment, in fact it tried to block me from even visiting. I do not know how to resolve that problem, but I wanted you to know. 

Crafty Home Cottage: Rearranging The Living Room (crafty-home-cottage.blogspot.com)

I do plan on getting back on this blogging horse and riding it to the finish line.

I am continuing to make wee care gowns for the hospital babies.

some babies come to earth as Angels.