Time to be thankful

 

I know who took the picture, grandson Shane, I know he is hiking in the Cascade mountains, exactly where I don't know.

I love that he takes pictures as he hikes.  I love that he shares the pictures, even if he's not good about telling me where he took the picture.

Thank you for all your kind words and thank you for just visiting. I know the holidays are going to be hard, I have a great support system but still the pain will be mine.

I am stopping to be thankful for all the years we were able to spend together. For all the adventures we shared.  For our children and grandchildren.  I am thankful Steve knew Christ.  I am thankful he is no longer in pain and suffering.

I know the next few days and even months are going to be hard, the kids are going to be right here with me and we will do this together.  

Fields of Gold

 

Fields of Gold in Quincy picture taken by Mike

Fiend Ericka's daughter Frankie checking out the sunflowers. 

I know, again it's been a while since I have posted anything.  Right now, the doctor wants me to start some medication just to help me over the biggest part of the hump.  Not sure how I feel about that. 

I think I was dealing with it all okay but maybe I am not as okay as I think I am. I sure lost a lot of motivation.  But then doesn't everyone go through times when they just aren't motivated?? 

Well, I wanted to share with you, where a whole lot of sunflowers grow. We do live in a wonderful area and have much to be thankful for.

It's been awhile

I had very good intentions of writing on a more regular basis then what is happening in reality. I have been busy and that is a good thing.

This picture was taken by my daughter in law Erica. Last weekend her and my son did a day trip over the Cascade loop.

They will go back and take their time. 

I have been trying to keep up with the tiny little space I have. I have had people stop and ask about flowers I have growing. Others have stopped to say how pretty my yard looks. 

I am not sure I see what they see, and that has me thinking. How often we do not take the time to take in our own beauty.

All I was seeing was the weeds!! I am like talking to myself, saying how can you say it is pretty, don't you see those weeds?

How often do we do that?  How often do we only see the weeds and not the flowers? I sure am guilty of doing that. I will take the time to see all that is good. all that is pretty.

Which reminds me of a funny story about my neighbor. I don't know if any of you, (if there are any of you!) remember the trees I had removed from my property line. they were beautiful. they were also dangerous, messy and created so much shade nothing would grow.  I never saw anyone as excited as my neighbor, to see those trees go. She hated the mess and how the needles kept piling up making a horrible mess, she was like good bye trees. 

Well, last week, I came across my neighbor, who had to tell me how much she missed the fir needles in her yard. Now she has to weed and at least they kept the weed down. !!! What she is missing is, the rose bush that is now blooming that never had the chance to grow because it was to shady, Or the lilac bush I didn't even know was there, now growing and blooming.  Nope all she can see can see is the weeds,

Take some time this week to look past the weeds and see the beauty. Life is always going to give us weeds.

Things don't just Happen

 Sunday on the Columbia River

I thought it might be a good idea to let you know where the pictures are taken.

Motivation to do anything has been hard for me. Then after speaking to a friend who also lost her husband, I came to realize things don't just happen.

I was telling her how I feel (whining a bit) about the need to get back to sewing and creating. She replied with: "So do I, it will happen".  My friend has been alone for a long, long time, which is the one reason I was whining to her. That statement scared me!!

Maybe that is exactly what I needed to hear because if it hasn't happened yet with her after all these years, well, I don't want to sit and wait for the magic to happen. It's not going to happen!!!

When will the sky open up and the creatives juices flow? If I sit and wait for it, I can guarantee that never happening. 

I need to take a step forward, even if it is one tiny step, as long as I am going in the right direction.  that needs to start NOW!!

New Meaning

 I want to start by thanking all of you for taking the time to give me some help. I will follow  your advice. 

Also the saying "Be kind to yourself" has taken on a complete new meaning to me.  I have a better understanding of what my mind and body are going through.  I do some pretty silly things, not even knowing I am doing it. 

I filled (or thought I did) the watering can, so I could water the few plants I have on my porch. I went to pick it up, expecting it to be heavy and of coarse it wasn't. I didn't put any water in it.  Thats just a tiny something, I do that all day with everything!! But now I have a bit of insight as to what is going on with me, so I don't get upset with me. 

Reading is not possible. I was reading a series of books  called the Elm Creek quilts series, by Jennifer Chiaverini. Now, I don't remember who is who and with a series, they speak often of people you should know, if you are reading the series. It's okay, I know why now, as before I found out this grief brain is a real thing, I was sure I was losing my mind.

I don't know how long all of this takes. Maybe I will never be the same, right now I feel like I will never go back.  I told my son I will not be doing the grocery shopping this week. I can use Insta cart if I need anything.  Last week, I had a full blown panic attack.  I looked down at my hands and they were shaking so hard, the only way I could control them was to hang tight to the cart. I was only a few isle in, when I decided enough was enough and headed to the checkout.  I forgot how to swipe my card, and of coarse that just caused more panic.  The gal at the register was so kind and soft spoken, I know think she has been though that before. 

So, the adventure as I will call it, continues. I am just trying to be kind to myself.

Enter grief brain

 As the days went by, my thinking became worse and worse.  I always have paid my power bill the day the bill came. I was shocked when I opened my bill this month to see it had doubled.  When I took a closer look, I noticed I had not paid last months bill. I don't even remember getting it.

I found  I was forgetting things I have done over and over a million times, now I could not even begin to think about how to do it.  I am not remembering to do even simple things like cook my favorite meals.

Of coarse this scared me!  Now what??  Well, now what is leading to something new, called Grief Brain, or widows brain. where the brain has become so over loaded it has little room left for functioning.

Hopsice suggests I journal, having this blog already set up I will do just that.  I have no clue what to expect from this.  All I know is in some ways I feel better knowing it's  a "normal" process.  Some ways it scares me even more.

So if you dare follow me on my journey and if you are also on this journey we can go through it together.

I am calling this day one. because it is the first day of my discovering that I am normal. At the same time as not being even close to normal.

 Hospice of the Western Reserve - "Grief Brain" What's Going On? (hospicewr.org)

Make today Amazing.

 A saying my son, told me in the middle of my falling apart.  Probably one of the hardest things to do is to make your day amazing when all of your life is so totally out of control.

Then, I found that just in trying, all you had to do was at least try and your day would become if not amazing at least tolerable.  So I continue each day, to share the message.  Every day will get better until you find that each day is worth looking forward to. 

In thanks I made hm this pillow. Since mountain biking is where he goes to regain his balance I thought adding a bike would be a message back to him, to keep up being amazing.

Some days it is so hard. But, everyday I can do something no matter how small to make it the best day ever.