New Meaning

 I want to start by thanking all of you for taking the time to give me some help. I will follow  your advice. 

Also the saying "Be kind to yourself" has taken on a complete new meaning to me.  I have a better understanding of what my mind and body are going through.  I do some pretty silly things, not even knowing I am doing it. 

I filled (or thought I did) the watering can, so I could water the few plants I have on my porch. I went to pick it up, expecting it to be heavy and of coarse it wasn't. I didn't put any water in it.  Thats just a tiny something, I do that all day with everything!! But now I have a bit of insight as to what is going on with me, so I don't get upset with me. 

Reading is not possible. I was reading a series of books  called the Elm Creek quilts series, by Jennifer Chiaverini. Now, I don't remember who is who and with a series, they speak often of people you should know, if you are reading the series. It's okay, I know why now, as before I found out this grief brain is a real thing, I was sure I was losing my mind.

I don't know how long all of this takes. Maybe I will never be the same, right now I feel like I will never go back.  I told my son I will not be doing the grocery shopping this week. I can use Insta cart if I need anything.  Last week, I had a full blown panic attack.  I looked down at my hands and they were shaking so hard, the only way I could control them was to hang tight to the cart. I was only a few isle in, when I decided enough was enough and headed to the checkout.  I forgot how to swipe my card, and of coarse that just caused more panic.  The gal at the register was so kind and soft spoken, I know think she has been though that before. 

So, the adventure as I will call it, continues. I am just trying to be kind to myself.

Enter grief brain

 As the days went by, my thinking became worse and worse.  I always have paid my power bill the day the bill came. I was shocked when I opened my bill this month to see it had doubled.  When I took a closer look, I noticed I had not paid last months bill. I don't even remember getting it.

I found  I was forgetting things I have done over and over a million times, now I could not even begin to think about how to do it.  I am not remembering to do even simple things like cook my favorite meals.

Of coarse this scared me!  Now what??  Well, now what is leading to something new, called Grief Brain, or widows brain. where the brain has become so over loaded it has little room left for functioning.

Hopsice suggests I journal, having this blog already set up I will do just that.  I have no clue what to expect from this.  All I know is in some ways I feel better knowing it's  a "normal" process.  Some ways it scares me even more.

So if you dare follow me on my journey and if you are also on this journey we can go through it together.

I am calling this day one. because it is the first day of my discovering that I am normal. At the same time as not being even close to normal.

 Hospice of the Western Reserve - "Grief Brain" What's Going On? (hospicewr.org)

Make today Amazing.

 A saying my son, told me in the middle of my falling apart.  Probably one of the hardest things to do is to make your day amazing when all of your life is so totally out of control.

Then, I found that just in trying, all you had to do was at least try and your day would become if not amazing at least tolerable.  So I continue each day, to share the message.  Every day will get better until you find that each day is worth looking forward to. 

In thanks I made hm this pillow. Since mountain biking is where he goes to regain his balance I thought adding a bike would be a message back to him, to keep up being amazing.

Some days it is so hard. But, everyday I can do something no matter how small to make it the best day ever. 

"Not in Vain"

Emily Dickinson poem "Not in Vain" has always spoke to me.

(1886) by Emily Dickinson If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain: If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.

I think of it when I make and pray over these items for the hospital nursery. These item are for the precious little ones that go to heaven way to soon.

I do like making the gowns, hoping that it will ease the pain a little, Just to know that someone, somewhere cares.

Request from the hospital, also needed are items for babies to fragile to handle.

so I made a few of those.

Tiny blankets

The size of the blankets range from 6" to 10". I will make a few larger blankets..

I hope these bring some comfort to the broken hearts. Just making them helps my heart heal.

wordless Wednesday

Again!

I find myself here again on a Wednesday.!

spring always comes alive in our mountains.

Seeded by God

Heaven Bound

 I know it is wordless Wednesday and I will add a few words to this. The picture of MT. Index, in Washington State. This is the mountain that stands out in full glory as you round the corner. As the love of my life Steve has gone on to be with Jesus, this picture lets me know, if God has this much beauty on earth can you imagine the beauty in heaven.

Wordless Wednesday