Enter grief brain

 As the days went by, my thinking became worse and worse.  I always have paid my power bill the day the bill came. I was shocked when I opened my bill this month to see it had doubled.  When I took a closer look, I noticed I had not paid last months bill. I don't even remember getting it.

I found  I was forgetting things I have done over and over a million times, now I could not even begin to think about how to do it.  I am not remembering to do even simple things like cook my favorite meals.

Of coarse this scared me!  Now what??  Well, now what is leading to something new, called Grief Brain, or widows brain. where the brain has become so over loaded it has little room left for functioning.

Hopsice suggests I journal, having this blog already set up I will do just that.  I have no clue what to expect from this.  All I know is in some ways I feel better knowing it's  a "normal" process.  Some ways it scares me even more.

So if you dare follow me on my journey and if you are also on this journey we can go through it together.

I am calling this day one. because it is the first day of my discovering that I am normal. At the same time as not being even close to normal.

 Hospice of the Western Reserve - "Grief Brain" What's Going On? (hospicewr.org)

Make today Amazing.

 A saying my son, told me in the middle of my falling apart.  Probably one of the hardest things to do is to make your day amazing when all of your life is so totally out of control.

Then, I found that just in trying, all you had to do was at least try and your day would become if not amazing at least tolerable.  So I continue each day, to share the message.  Every day will get better until you find that each day is worth looking forward to. 

In thanks I made hm this pillow. Since mountain biking is where he goes to regain his balance I thought adding a bike would be a message back to him, to keep up being amazing.

Some days it is so hard. But, everyday I can do something no matter how small to make it the best day ever. 

"Not in Vain"

Emily Dickinson poem "Not in Vain" has always spoke to me.

(1886) by Emily Dickinson If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain: If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.

I think of it when I make and pray over these items for the hospital nursery. These item are for the precious little ones that go to heaven way to soon.

I do like making the gowns, hoping that it will ease the pain a little, Just to know that someone, somewhere cares.

Request from the hospital, also needed are items for babies to fragile to handle.

so I made a few of those.

Tiny blankets

The size of the blankets range from 6" to 10". I will make a few larger blankets..

I hope these bring some comfort to the broken hearts. Just making them helps my heart heal.

wordless Wednesday

Again!

I find myself here again on a Wednesday.!

spring always comes alive in our mountains.

Seeded by God

Heaven Bound

 I know it is wordless Wednesday and I will add a few words to this. The picture of MT. Index, in Washington State. This is the mountain that stands out in full glory as you round the corner. As the love of my life Steve has gone on to be with Jesus, this picture lets me know, if God has this much beauty on earth can you imagine the beauty in heaven.

Wordless Wednesday

 

I DID IT!

                                    I even took pictures. This was not easy and if you have agoraphobia, you will know what I am talking about.  This started with me, when Steve had his stroke and was in the hospital in Seattle.  There was no way I could stay with him more than a day and one night. The night I stayed I was in a chair, bathroom facilities were a long way away. It was miserable.  The kids had me come home, home is three hours away.  We tried to get the hospital to help us get him transferred home, once we found there was no reason for him to be in Seattle. 

Fast forward, to my first full-blown panic attack! I ended up in the hospital. I have never been able to get myself together. I am fine when I am home, just the thought of going out can send me into a full-blown panic attack.  Heart pounding, sweating palm's, no clear thoughts almost a feeling of being in a container and there is no way out.

Today, a volunteer came and watched Steve and I went to a store. By myself! almost the scariest thing I have ever done. You have no idea how much I love to read your blogs when you go shopping, especially when you go to cute little shops.  I go right along with you!

My neighbor told me about this store, hardly any people visit.  It has good prices and he thought this would be a good place to test my getting out. 

The name of the store is Grocery Outlet.  they had some really cute things, good prices, Off brands and some well-known brands, 

                              Those planters look interesting.

              It will take me a full day to stop shaking. did I mess up? yup! I did, but I made it,