I am not there yet. Some days I wonder if I ever will be. When my Dr. recommended that I blog, that I write my feelings, that I come to grips with reality. I did write occasionally, but never about my feelings. Dr. is not happy, she said write as if I am speaking to a good friend or even what I would tell my sister!
That is really hard for me, as I feel like it is self pity. I know so many people going through some really tough times, it just seems like the wrong thing to do.
Some of you remember I posted about my hubby's stroke and about aphasia, the inability to communicate. There are different levels, he has the combination of expressive, the ability to express himself and receptive, the ability to understand what is said around him. Add to that he is developing stroke induce dementia.
So, my world can get pretty lonely. I follow your blogs to communicate with the outside world. I try my hand at crafts, have pretty much not done any sewing, as the inspiration is just not there.
Sorry, if I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. Just feel like I don't fit in, like I am not myself and don't even know who that is anymore.
will I follow Dr's orders or suggestion that I write it out? I don't know if I will. I don't feel that it would be a great help, but then how do I know unless I try? right?
How much would I share with my sister? How often would I say "I am fine, how are you'?
You are living in a worl of slowly loosing your husband, I am living in a world of suddenly loosing my husband and I so understand. I am lonely and don't understand why this is how I am supposed to spend my final years. I miss him so much and I don't like my life at the moment. I am trying to pick up the pieces and move on, but it is so hard. It isn't self pity or maybe it is, but I really wish things were different. You are allowed to hate your world at the moment too.
ReplyDeleteMarty, I so understand. I am so sorry you lost your husband. I agree, this is not how the final days were supposed to be.
DeleteNonie, When our loved one has bad health issues...it sucks up the life of the caregiver too. I love my Teddy...his cancer, chemo and bone marrow transplants has been two years just about...and it has seems so much longer. I put all my own health needs aside to tend to him. I will be calling for eye surgery soon. I need it , hard to see to read. You are the one caring for your husband , so it's your right to be sad, or mad. Just let it all out. Some times I say...if I could see, I jump in that car and drive into the sunset. LOL. I really would not. But I swear if someone said "Here is a shovel, you can dig your way to China, or you can be a caregiver". I would say give me that damn shovel. I guess I am not really a caregiver...but I do my best and have for all this time. I know you have too. My BIL had a stroke and it's hard to listen to him speak. I pray for him all the time. I pray for my Ted and myself. And I will pray for you too Nonie. Bless you, xoxo, Susie
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, just talking to others help. Yes, you are a caregiver and a dedicated one. But, if you know of anyone handing out shovels for the digging job, give me a call I am all for that!
ReplyDeleteNonie
Our worlds are similar in some ways, Nonie. Hubby is having real issues and goes from being in bed 3 or 4 days in a row to talking non-stop another day and he must call my name 100 times a day when he is 'on'. We are dealing with issues, too, from all the radiation to his head from the cancer treatment close to 5 years ago. I feel like I am in limbo most days- caught between living a real life and being a caretaker. God bless you- the journey is not an easy one. Only you know what you can/should share with your sister depending on how she will react to it. This is a good place to vent and let it out-as most readers are very non-judgemental. Love to you- Diana
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Diana, limbo is the perfect word for it. I do believe this is a good place to vent, thank you.
DeleteNonie
I appreciate all of your sharing posts. I am a planner and actually rehearse what-if scenarios in my head. At 75 years old and married 56 years, I am learning from each of you about the stages of the latter phases of life. We will all go through these phases in one form or another, as your posts show. Thank you for sharing your grief because you are helping others in doing so.
ReplyDeleteEileen, thank you so much and congratulations on your 58 years together. If my sharing helps even one person, then I am willing to share.
DeleteNonie
Nonie, I have been praying for you since you first commented. I didn’t know what to pray, I just knew you needed prayer. Reading of your husband’s stroke, aphasia, and dementia, I now know how to pray. I know a little about aphasia...a dear cousin’s husband has it along with dementia. Writing can be helpful, so many need encouragement. God can use your life experiences to help others. I continue to pray for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Pam, that means the world to me to have your prayers. If I can help one person I am willing to share what life is like at this point at least what it is like for me.
DeleteNonie
Nonie, I totally get where you are coming from. I am not one who likes to share feelings either. But I have no problem venting at times. So if you don't mind "venting", let that be your journal or your blog direction or have a friend you can call. But you should also include something for which your are grateful. Let your focus be on what's good. Vent about what's bad and let it go.
ReplyDeleteLife is just hard for no reason sometimes and even if God spoke to you to tell you why, it wouldn't make your heart hurt less or life less difficult. God will get you through it and there will be lessons and blessings in the journey. Praying for you and Steve daily. Sending you cyber hugs.
Thank you Angela, venting makes sense! So at times there will be venting.
ReplyDeleteMy world almost came to an end when Bill died. My health plummeted.. I had been with him 57 years and completely lost without him. My girl, bless her heart, got me straight to a doctor that treated my all body gout and started me on anti depressants... those little tiny pills helped me to see thru the darkness of losing Bill to all the blessings God sends me every single day‼️
ReplyDeleteBlessing BJ, I remember that so well. I am blessed to have all of you, who know and can share. So I give thanks to God for directing my path.
DeleteNonie
Nonie,
ReplyDeleteYou are going through a lot and in a way you are also in mourning. You are watching the man you love slowly being taken away from you. With his illness also goes life as you knew it to be.. It's losses and what you're feeling is normal...I have a friend, a very close friend who is going through something and it made her cry yesterday. She said to me today she felt stupid for crying because so many have it to much worse. I used to feel that way too until one day I thought to myself.. Hoghwash!... Just because it's something that may or may not be as important to something or someone else, it's affecting ME and therefor it IS important. So please don't let that stop you from writing. Writing can be VERY therapeutic. My husband has some pretty severe health issues and over the last 17 years they have gotten worse.. we've had some really bad times. I almost lost in in 2016 to a heart attack then again in 2018 from double pneumonia which landed him in ICU on a vent and now, he is having to have a CT scan to check his lungs in the hopes he doesn't have lung cancer. Ontop of that I have been chronically ill myself for over 25 years so I understand the isolation and the loss... Please keep writing..
Robyn, thank you so much for taking the time to write. Yes, it all makes sense, this is my world right now, for better or worse and to know there are others, that I am not alone, means the world to me.
DeleteNonie
Dearest Nonie,
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to know all that you are feeling, but I think I get it when you say it's hard to write about it. If you feel overwhelmed already, writing about it might feel like going down in quick sand. So, I wondered if it would help to take a different approach--maybe write a "Grateful" journal instead. Each day write down five things for which you are grateful--making positive thoughts be foremost. Maybe even write favorite positive quotes to think about when life feels overwhelming. Just know we have you in our hearts and our prayers! Big Hugs, Karen
Thank you, I love that idea. I need to look for the good things.
DeleteI'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, Nonie. I do think writing our feelings in a book or a notepad is good, and that is why I journal sometimes. I think most of us are going through some kind of emotional roller coaster right now, if it's because of this virus in our history, or another unsettling issue in our lives. But I do hope you get the answers you are searching for. No, you're not feeling sorry for yourself. Life is just hard sometimes, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteSending you thoughts of comfort and love.
~Sheri
Thank you so much.
ReplyDelete