Things don't just Happen

 Sunday on the Columbia River

I thought it might be a good idea to let you know where the pictures are taken.

Motivation to do anything has been hard for me. Then after speaking to a friend who also lost her husband, I came to realize things don't just happen.

I was telling her how I feel (whining a bit) about the need to get back to sewing and creating. She replied with: "So do I, it will happen".  My friend has been alone for a long, long time, which is the one reason I was whining to her. That statement scared me!!

Maybe that is exactly what I needed to hear because if it hasn't happened yet with her after all these years, well, I don't want to sit and wait for the magic to happen. It's not going to happen!!!

When will the sky open up and the creatives juices flow? If I sit and wait for it, I can guarantee that never happening. 

I need to take a step forward, even if it is one tiny step, as long as I am going in the right direction.  that needs to start NOW!!

New Meaning

 I want to start by thanking all of you for taking the time to give me some help. I will follow  your advice. 

Also the saying "Be kind to yourself" has taken on a complete new meaning to me.  I have a better understanding of what my mind and body are going through.  I do some pretty silly things, not even knowing I am doing it. 

I filled (or thought I did) the watering can, so I could water the few plants I have on my porch. I went to pick it up, expecting it to be heavy and of coarse it wasn't. I didn't put any water in it.  Thats just a tiny something, I do that all day with everything!! But now I have a bit of insight as to what is going on with me, so I don't get upset with me. 

Reading is not possible. I was reading a series of books  called the Elm Creek quilts series, by Jennifer Chiaverini. Now, I don't remember who is who and with a series, they speak often of people you should know, if you are reading the series. It's okay, I know why now, as before I found out this grief brain is a real thing, I was sure I was losing my mind.

I don't know how long all of this takes. Maybe I will never be the same, right now I feel like I will never go back.  I told my son I will not be doing the grocery shopping this week. I can use Insta cart if I need anything.  Last week, I had a full blown panic attack.  I looked down at my hands and they were shaking so hard, the only way I could control them was to hang tight to the cart. I was only a few isle in, when I decided enough was enough and headed to the checkout.  I forgot how to swipe my card, and of coarse that just caused more panic.  The gal at the register was so kind and soft spoken, I know think she has been though that before. 

So, the adventure as I will call it, continues. I am just trying to be kind to myself.

Enter grief brain

 As the days went by, my thinking became worse and worse.  I always have paid my power bill the day the bill came. I was shocked when I opened my bill this month to see it had doubled.  When I took a closer look, I noticed I had not paid last months bill. I don't even remember getting it.

I found  I was forgetting things I have done over and over a million times, now I could not even begin to think about how to do it.  I am not remembering to do even simple things like cook my favorite meals.

Of coarse this scared me!  Now what??  Well, now what is leading to something new, called Grief Brain, or widows brain. where the brain has become so over loaded it has little room left for functioning.

Hopsice suggests I journal, having this blog already set up I will do just that.  I have no clue what to expect from this.  All I know is in some ways I feel better knowing it's  a "normal" process.  Some ways it scares me even more.

So if you dare follow me on my journey and if you are also on this journey we can go through it together.

I am calling this day one. because it is the first day of my discovering that I am normal. At the same time as not being even close to normal.

 Hospice of the Western Reserve - "Grief Brain" What's Going On? (hospicewr.org)